The following night, a Wednesday, Alice went out to meet Felix and some of his friends at a bar called The Sailor’s Friend, on a street corner near the pier. She arrived at the bar around nine o’clock, flushed from the walk, wearing a grey turtleneck and tapered trousers. Inside, it was warm and noisy. A long dark counter ran the length of the left wall, and behind it, above the spirit bottles, was a collection of colourful postcards. In front of an open hearth, a lurcher lay sleeping, its face resting on its paws. Felix and his friends were seated near a window at the back, in the midst of a good-natured argument about the marketing of online gambling. When Felix saw Alice approaching, he stood up, greeted her, touched her waist, and asked what she would like to drink. Gesturing back at his friends, he added: You know them crowd, you’ve met them before. Sit down, I’ll go and get you something. She sat with his friends while he went to the bar. A woman named Siobhán was telling a story about a man she knew who had taken out a sixty-thousand-euro loan to cover his gambling debts. Alice appeared to find the story very interesting, and asked several specific questions. When Felix came back with the vodka tonic, he sat down beside her and put his hand on her lower back, smoothing the wool of her sweater under his fingers.
At midnight they walked back together from the bar to his house. Upstairs in bed Alice lay flat on her back, and Felix was on top of her. Her eyelids were fluttering and she was breathing rapidly, noisily. He rested his weight on one elbow, pressing her right leg back against her chest. Did you think about me while you were away, he asked. In a tight voice she replied: I think about you every night. He shut his eyes then. Her breath seemed to come over her in waves, forcing itself into her lungs and out again through her open mouth. Still his eyes were closed. Alice, he said, can I come, is it okay? She put her arms around him.
In the morning, he dropped her home on his way to work. Before she got out of the car, she asked him if she would see him for dinner that night and he said yes. Do your friends think I’m your girlfriend? she asked. He smiled at that. Well, we have been going around together a fair bit, he replied. I doubt they’re kept awake at night thinking about it, but yeah, they might assume. He paused and added: And people in town are saying it. I don’t care, I’m just telling you so you know. Alice asked what, exactly, people in town were saying, and Felix frowned. Ah, you know, he said. Nothing really. That author lady who lives above in the rectory is hanging around with the Brady lad. That kind of thing. Alice said that they were, after all, ‘hanging around’, and Felix agreed that they were. There might be a few eyebrows raised, he added, but I wouldn’t mind that. She asked why anyone should raise an eyebrow at the idea of two young single people hanging around together, and he handled the gearstick thoughtfully under his hand. I wouldn’t be known as a great catch, he said, I’ll put it that way. Not the most reliable character going. And speaking honestly, I owe a bit of money around town as well. He cleared his throat. But sure look, if you like me, that’s your own business, he said. And I won’t go borrowing money from you, don’t worry. Hop out now or I’ll be late, good woman. She unbuckled her seatbelt. I do like you, she said. I know, he answered. Go on, get out.
That morning, while Felix was at work, Alice had a phone call with her agent, discussing invitations she had received to literary festivals and universities. While this phone call took place, Felix was using a handheld scanner to identify and sort various packages into labelled stillage carts, which were then collected and wheeled away by other workers. Some of these workers greeted Felix when they came to collect the boxes, and others didn’t. He was wearing a black zip-up, with the zip pulled right up, and occasionally he tucked his chin under the raised collar, evidently cold. While speaking to her agent, Alice made notes on her laptop in a draft email with the subject heading ‘summer book dates’. After the phone call, she closed that email and opened a text file containing notes for a book review she was writing for a literary magazine in London. In the warehouse, Felix was pushing one of the tall steel stillage carts along an aisle of shelves illuminated by white fluorescent bulbs. Occasionally he stopped, squinted at a label, checked his scanner, and then scanned the item and placed it into the cart. Alice ate two pieces of buttered bread from a small plate, cut up an apple, made herself a cup of coffee and opened a draft email to Eileen.
/
Felix finished his shift at seven in the evening, while Alice was cooking. On his way out of the warehouse, he texted her.
Felix: Hey sorry but im actually not gonna be there for dinner
Felix: Heading out w people from work
Felix: I wouldnt be any fun anyways bc im in foul humor
Felix: Might see u tomorrow depending on how wrecked I get
Alice: oh
Alice: I’ll be sorry to miss you
Felix: Not in the form im in right now believe me
Alice: I like you no matter what form you’re in
Felix: Well you can send me a love letter on here while im out getting locked Felix: And ill read it when I get home
Alice put her phone away and for a few seconds stared blankly down into the empty kitchen sink. Felix told his friend Brian he could give him a lift as far as Mulroy’s and then he was going to drop the car home and walk in. Alice passed the following few hours preparing a pasta sauce, boiling water, laying the table, and eating. Felix drove home, fed his dog, showered quickly, changed his clothes, looked at Tinder, and then walked into the village to meet his work friends. Between the hours of eight p.m. and midnight he drank six pints of Danish lager. Alice washed up after dinner and read an article on the internet about Annie Ernaux. Around twelve, Felix and his friends got in a minivan taxi to a nightclub outside town and sang several verses of ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’ on the way there. Alice sat on the living room couch writing an email to a female friend of hers who now lived in Stockholm, asking about her job and her new relationship. At the club, Felix took two pills, drank a shot of vodka, and then went to the bathroom. He opened Tinder again, swiped left on several profiles, checked his messages, looked at the BBC Sports home page, and then went back out to the club. By one in the morning Alice was drinking peppermint tea and working on her book review, while Felix was on the dance floor with two of his friends and two people he had never met before. He had an easy and natural way of dancing, as if it cost him no effort, moving his body lightly into and against the beat of the music. After another drink he went outside and threw up behind a wheelie bin. Alice was lying in bed by then, reading over the messages Felix had sent earlier, the screen of her phone casting a greyish-blue light over her face. Felix took out his phone at the same moment and opened the messages app.
Felix: Hey
Felix: You up?
Alice: in bed but awake
Alice: having fun?
Felix: Ill be honest alice
Felix: I m yipped out of my tree
Felix: And I did haveto throw up
Felix: But yea good night so far
Alice: well, I’m glad
Felix: What are u doign in bed
Felix: Weairng anything or?
Felix: Describe
Alice: I’m wearing a white nightdress
Alice: I hope we can see each other tomorrow
Felix: Yeahhhh or
Felix: I cojld get a taxi back to yours
Felix: Now I mnea
Felix: Mean
Alice: if you want, of course
Felix: Yea are you sure?
Alice: I’m awake anyway, I don’t mind
Felix: Cool
Felix: See u soon
She got out of bed and put on her dressing gown, turned on a bedside lamp and looked at herself in the mirror. Felix called the taxi company, went back inside, got his jacket, ordered another shot of vodka, swilled it around in his mouth, swallowed, found Brian and told him to tell the others he was heading off, and then went to get in the taxi. Alice opened his profile on the dating app where they’d first met, and read his bio note again. On the way out to her house, Felix was having an involved conversation with the taxi driver about the relative strengths and weaknesses of the current Mayo GAA side. When Felix pointed out the house, the driver asked if his parents lived there.
Nah, it’s my bird’s place, said Felix.
In an amused tone of voice, the driver replied: Must be a rich lady.
Yeah, and she’s famous. You can Google her. She writes books.
Oh yeah? You’d better keep a hold of her.
Don’t worry, she’s fairly keen on me, Felix said.
They pulled into the driveway then. Turning around, the driver said: She’d want to be, letting you knock on her door at two in the morning. State you’re in. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re calling me again in a few minutes when she’s had a look at you. Ten euro eighty, please.
Felix handed over the money.
Do you want me to wait? asked the driver.
Don’t be jealous now, good lad. You go away and enjoy your Lyric FM.
He got out of the car and knocked on the door. Alice came downstairs to answer it as the taxi was pulling out of the gate. Felix came inside, kicked the door shut, and put his arms around Alice, lifting her up a little and pressing her back against the wall. They kissed for a while and then he untied the sash of her dressing gown. She held it shut with one hand.
Oh, you are drunk, she said.
I know, yeah. I said that in the messages.
He tried to open her dressing gown again and she folded her arms tightly to prevent him.
Here, what’s the problem? he said. Are you on your period or something? I don’t care if you are, I’m a grown-up.
Alice retied her dressing gown grimly and said: You’re trying to embarrass me.
No, no. I’m just wondering what’s the matter. I’m not trying anything, I’m happy to be here. The taxi driver was very impressed I had a girlfriend who lived in such a big house.
Alice looked up at him and finally said: Are you on drugs?
God yeah, he said. Wouldn’t be much of a night out if I wasn’t.
She stood there with her arms folded. I don’t know, she said. Would other people let you behave like this? Other girlfriends or boyfriends you’ve had. Is this normal? You go out with your friends and get hammered and then show up in the middle of the night looking for sex?
He seemed to consider this, leaning his arm against the wall beside her head. I would often give it a go, yeah, he said. Not everyone would be up for it, obviously.
Right. You must think I’m a complete fucking idiot.
No, I think you’re highly intelligent. It’s not lucky for you, in a lot of ways. If you were a little bit stupider you might have an easier life.
He stood up straight and put his hands on her hips, in a way that seemed to convey fondness and even contrition.
The taxi driver told me you were going to fuck me out of it, Felix said. He told me, no way is she going to let you call around at this hour of the night looking like that. What I look like, I don’t actually know, I haven’t seen myself. But I can imagine not good.
Ah, do I? I don’t know, I suppose I shouldn’t have texted you. The stupid thing is, I was actually having a good night. I mean, okay, I went a bit overboard getting sick, but I was having a good time other than that. And you were probably having a fine time as well, lying in bed or whatever. So I shouldn’t have texted you really.
Right, but you felt like having sex, she said.
Well, I’m only human. Nah, but if that’s all I was after I could have gone elsewhere, couldn’t I? No need to bother you just for that.
She shut her eyes and said in a quiet, inexpressive voice: I’m sure that’s true.
Alice, don’t be looking so serious, he said. I haven’t been off with anyone else. Obviously I could if I wanted to, but so could you. Look, I’m sorry if I’ve annoyed you, alright?
For a moment she said nothing.
And you probably don’t like being around drunk people anyway, he said.
No, I don’t.
No, why would you? I’d say you had enough of that growing up.
She stared up at him and he kept his hands on her hips, holding her against the wall.
Yes, I did, she said.
If you want me to go home, just say.
She shook her head. He kissed her again. They went upstairs together, Alice holding Felix’s hand and following behind him. In her room he took off her dressing gown and lifted her nightdress off over her head. She lay back on the bed and he went down on her. Her body looked compact, androgynous. She pressed her hand flat over her mouth. He broke off then to undress himself and take his watch off. Looking down at her where she lay stretched out naked on the mattress, he said with a smile: Do you know what you look like? One of those girl statues we saw in Rome.
She laughed and covered her face.
Is that not nice? he said. It was meant nicely.
She said it was. He lay down beside her, his head propped up on the pillows, his hand toying idly with her small soft breast.
I was thinking about you at work today, he said. I find it makes me feel a bit better for a while but then I actually feel worse, because you’re lying around here all day and I’m stuck in a warehouse packing boxes. Not that I’m put out with you about it. I’m not going to be able to explain this the right way, but the difference between what we’re doing right now and what I do all day, I actually can’t describe. It’s hard to believe I have to use the same body for both things, I’ll say it like that. And it doesn’t feel like the same. These hands touching you now, I use them to pack boxes? I don’t know. At work my hands are fucking freezing all the time. And like, basically numb. Even if you wear gloves they go numb eventually, everyone says that. Sometimes I’ll get a little cut or a scrape or something and I won’t even notice until I see it’s bleeding. And these are the same hands touching you? I don’t know, you probably think I’m off my head talking like that. But you’re very, very soft and nice to touch, that’s all. And warm. When you let me come inside you, I feel so good, I can’t even describe. I was thinking about that at work today and I wanted it so much I started getting annoyed. Like, annoyed, yeah, pissed off. That’s the other thing I will say about work, your feelings get really messed up in there. You start feeling things that make no sense. I should have been looking forward to seeing you, but I actually felt pissed off. And then I didn’t even want to see you anymore. There’s no point trying to explain it because it doesn’t make any sense, I’m just saying what I felt. I’m sorry.
She told him it was okay. For a little while he kissed her and said nothing. Then he asked if she would go on top because he was tired, and she said yes. Once he was inside her she was still for a few seconds, breathing hard. Okay? he said. She nodded. He looked content to wait. You have such a perfect cunt, he said. A shudder dropped over her, from her head down to her pelvic bone. She put a hand on his shoulder. They fucked slowly for a couple of minutes while he touched her. In a high uneven voice she said: Oh God, I’m in love with you, I really am. He looked up at her then. Are you, yeah? he said. That’s good. Say it again. Trembling, out of breath, she bent her head low, and said: I love you, I love you. He put his hands around her waist, his fingers pressing into the flesh of her back, and pulled her down hard onto him, again and again quickly, and she was wincing almost as if in pain.
Afterwards they were still for a while, resting against one another. Then she climbed off him, sat on the side of the mattress and took a drink from the water bottle on her bedside table. He lay down with his head nestled among the pillows, watching her. Pass me that when you’re finished, he said. She gave him the bottle and he drank without lifting his head.
Handing the bottle back, he said: Here, I want to know something. You know you’re always saying that you’re rich. What do you mean, are you a millionaire or what?
She screwed the cap back onto the bottle. About that, she said.
He watched her in silence. A million, really, he said. That’s a lot of money.
Yes it is.
All that just from books?
She nodded.
And just sitting in your bank account, or it’s all tied into things? he said.
Rubbing her eyes, she said it was mostly just sitting in her bank account. He was still watching her, his eyes moving quickly and discreetly over her face, her arms, her shoulders. After a time, he said: Come here and tell me you love me again. I could get to like it. With heavy, tired movements she lay back down beside him.
I love you, she said.
And when did you realise this? Love at first sight kind of thing, was it?
No, I don’t think so.
A bit later on, then, he said. In Rome?
She turned to him and he draped his arm over her body. Her eyes were half-closed. His face was thoughtful, alert.
I suppose so, she said.
That’s pretty quick to be falling in love with someone. What was it, maybe three weeks?
Letting her eyes close, she said: About that.
Would that be usual for you?
I don’t know. I don’t fall in love very often.
He lay watching her for a second or two. And vice versa, I assume, he said.
She smiled faintly and said: People don’t fall in love with me very often, you mean? No, indeed they don’t.
And you don’t seem to have many friends either, he said.
She stopped smiling then. She turned to look at Felix in silence for several seconds while all expression emptied from her features. Then she said simply: No, I suppose not.
No, yeah. Because since you moved in here, I don’t think anyone’s been to see you, have they? Your family haven’t. And your friend Eileen, you talk about her a lot, but she hasn’t bothered. I think I’m the only person who’s been in the house since you arrived, would that be right? And you’re here at least a few months.
Alice stared at him and said nothing. He seemed to take this as permission to continue, and tucked his arm up under his pillow thoughtfully.
I was thinking about it over in Italy, he said. Watching you do your reading and your autographs and all that. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you work hard, because your job’s a laugh compared to mine. But you have a lot of people wanting things off you. And I just think, for all the fuss they make over you, none of them actually care about you one bit. I don’t know if anyone does.
They looked at one another for several long seconds. As Felix watched her, his initial self-assurance, even sadistic triumph, changed gradually into something else, as if recognising too late his own misapprehension.
You must really hate me, she said coolly.
No, I don’t, he replied. But I don’t love you either.
Of course not. Why should you? I wasn’t deluded about that.
She turned over then, quite calmly, and switched off the lamp on the bedside locker. The darkness dissolved their faces and only the outlines of their bodies were visible under the sheets. Neither of them moved at all and every line, every shadow in the room was still.
You can leave if you’d like, she said. But you’re welcome to stay. You might flatter yourself you’ve hurt me very badly, but I can promise you I’ve been through worse.
He lay there in silence, not responding.
And when I said I loved you I was telling the truth, she added.
He made a noise that sounded like a strangled laugh, and then said: Ah, I like your style. I’ll give you that. You’re not easy to get the upper hand on, are you? Obviously I’m not going to manage it. It’s funny, because you carry on like you’d let me walk all over you, answering my texts at two in the morning, and then telling me you’re in love with me, blah blah blah. But that’s all your way of saying, just try and catch me, because you won’t. And I can see I won’t. You’re not going to let me have it for a minute. Nine times out of ten you’d have someone fooled with the way you go on. They’d be delighted with themselves, thinking they were really the boss of you. Yeah, yeah, but I’m not an idiot. You’re only letting me act badly because it puts you above me, and that’s where you like to be. Above, above. And I don’t take it personally, by the way, I don’t think you’d let anyone near you. Actually, I respect it. You’re looking out for yourself, and I’m sure you have your reasons. I’m sorry I was so harsh on you with what I said, because you were right, I was just trying to hurt you. And I probably did hurt you, big deal. Anyone can hurt anyone if they go out of their way. But then instead of getting mad with me, you go saying I’m welcome to stay over and you still love me and all this. Because you have to be perfect, don’t you? No, you really have a way about you, I must say. And I’m sorry, alright? I won’t be trying to take a jab at you again. Lesson learned. But from now on you don’t need to act like you’re under my thumb, when we both know I’m nowhere near you. Alright?
Another long silence fell. Their faces were invisible in darkness. Eventually, in a high and strained voice, straining perhaps for an evenness or lightness it did not attain, she replied: Alright.
If I ever do get a hold of you, you won’t need to tell me, he said. I’ll know. But I’m not going to chase too much. I’ll just stay where I am and see if you come to me.
Yes, that’s what hunters do with deer, she said. Before they kill them.
