She flinches back and I briefly feel bad for being so nasty to her, when she only wants to help, but I shake it off. I walk to the chair that has my dirty, bloodstained clothes. I drop the hospital gown, not caring who sees my scars anymore. If they want to care for me, they can look at me as I am, and learn to do it without looking at me like I'm broken or with pity. I despise pity. I dress slowly, keeping every sound of pain stuffed deep in my chest.
I know it's punishing me not to ask for help, but this is how it has always been for me, and they should see that, too. Going to the Beta house, to my isolated room where no one bothers me or cares about what I am doing.
I'm going back to having freedom and control without having to check in every three seconds with someone or having people follow me and force me to do things differently without a second thought or even just asking if I'm all right with the change, assuming they know what's best for me. You think you can make me healthy? I wouldn't even know what that is.
I seethe, on a roll now, directing all my unfiltered anger out into the hallway to the guys, Sierra, the Alpha, Gamma, and Deltas.
"I am broken beyond repair and I have been surviving that way for as long as I can remember. You heard the doc, irreparable damage has been done. There is nothing you can fix, because even on my worst day I still perform better than everyone in that hallway pretending to care about me, while overlooking everything that has ever been wrong with me. I will heal myself, by myself, it just works better that way. I'm sorry, Luna, I just can't do this anymore, it hurts too much. My voice is raspy and my throat hurts, but I continue to speak.
"Maybe somewhere everyone has a soft spot for the small, spare beta, The one her father can't even stand to look at or be around, who told the principal to punish her more because she is unworthy and could use the lesson in humility. I do not want pity love. I don't want love that comes from feeling bad for my situation.
This is me, damaged and messed up, love me like this or not at all. I can't change for everyone else anymore. I turn my back on her and walk toward the treatment room door and find all of my so-called friends and family huddled, red-eyed, and grief-stricken.
Their eyes widened at the gruesome sight of me. Even my dad had the decency to show up and feign a look of shame. I just rolled my eyes and walked past everyone down the hallway and out the door.
I ran all the way back to my house, pain shooting up my legs, not noticing or caring if people were staring at me. I let myself in the back door like always and walked the silent halls to the staircase leading to my former prison. I ascend slowly, everything about this feels wrong, but so does the thought of going to my room at the packhouse. I don't belong here, it doesn't fit anymore.
Like clothes that are just too small, no longer comfortable and easy, but suffocating and tight. I agree with my wolf, the packhouse is home now, but I just can't be around the guys or even Sierra right now. I make it into my room and head straight for the shower to get rid of the evidence of my self-destruction.
I don't cry though, which is something new for me. I'm not sure if I am just all cried out or if the anger has finally taken over the sadness. I climb out, dry off, and get dressed. The first thing I need to do is figure out how long I have been at the hospital and see if I have missed any school.
All my stuff is in my room at the packhouse. Just another thing I'm going to have to deal with later. I leave my door locked and head out the window, just like old times. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I have had to sneak out. I don't need anyone scenting me come and go. I head straight for school, taking the well-worn long way through the woods. Sneaking in a back entrance that I broke a couple years ago so I had a quick escape in or out if I needed it. And I needed it on a regular basis. Now, who to talk to to get caught up on the day? Doc T. is a no go.
The pack doctor is just going to send me back to the hospital and almost guaranteed to call Luna. The only other person who doesn't completely hate me is Mr. Lyons, the history teacher. He is old and could care less about pack drama. The hallways are empty and I think it's too early for lunches.
I take all the paths that I know are blindspots for the security cameras. That will be one of the first things I fix when I get back from training, but for now, I'm going to use them to my advantage. I peak around corners like a criminal, just trying to make it to my classroom and not get caught sneaking into school.
